Safety Fork, the

In a renewed effort to halt the use of luxury sport utility vehicles (S.U.V.s), the Safety- and Traffic-Animal Bureau (S.T.A.B.) has begun deploying geese. The specially-trained birds strategically enter intersections and begin street crossings in order to halt or delay the passage of S.U.V.s while allowing other traffic to proceed normally.

According to a senior S.T.A.B. staffer, the common Canada goose was chosen as ideal for the targeted campaign. Geese are plentiful. In early qualifying examinations, it was found that geese were not fearful of vehicular traffic and would of their own volition embark upon crossings of busy streets. Geese were also determined to have an ideal body-mass/density configuration, ensuring that S.U.V. operators who choose to ignore the presence of the geese will face expensive and time-consuming repairs.

The psychology of S.U.V. owners was also considered in planning the program. In stark contrast to their name, luxury sport utility vehicles were found to be purchased and designed primarily with aesthetic or competitive-status-symbol motivations. Because of this, both the initial cost of the vehicles and also the owners’ aversion to risking even minor cosmetic damage is high.

Approximately 5,000 geese have already been trained and are currently being deployed in the greater metro area of Minnesota. An additional 10,000 geese are being prepared for the second phase of the pilot program, to begin within the next four weeks. Officials from other localities throughout the nation have expressed an interest in the program. Pending local successes, similar efforts are expected to be rolled out in most major metropolitan areas within the next three to five years.